Bangkok is hard to romanticise

02 Jan, 2026

Disclaimer: My understanding of Thai and Indonesian culture is still deepening and this is only a snapshot of what little I did or do know at the time. It's not meant to be a hot take or political commentary, just messy journal reflections.

I arrived in Bangkok sick and tired and overwhelmed by having bit off more than I could chew—a terrible Airbnb I needed to escape, having my only international credit card stolen 🙃, trying to navigate a hospital where no one could speak English and all my medical reports were written in Thai, cancelling all the events I'd naively bought tickets for. But losing my ability to speak has unexpectedly rewarded me with inner solitude, an opportunity to not be social all the time, to keep to myself. God knows how much I needed the anonymity of the city, the wide streets and walkable paths, even—yes—the creature comforts of 7/11s and air conditioned malls and noodle soup. Did I forget that I'm an introvert?

Thanks for reminding me, Bangkok. You've been a well-needed respite from the intensity and extroversion of Ubud. In some ways—not necessarily good ways—I feel like I'm returning to my home city, a much more diverse and less racist version of it, that demands little assimilation from me. The only culture shock is not being able to speak Thai, but it's nothing compared to the intense self-consciousness and outsider-naivety I felt that first week in Bali.

My heart is still very tender from leaving the artsy little town of Ubud. The city is a rude fluorescent disruption, its energy and aliveness and the beauty of this tearing into me before I’m ready. Remnants of my heart are still scattered in Balinese rice fields and nasi campur and gamelan nights and the karaoke I lost my voice for and of course, the friends and lovers and beautiful community I connected with.

Chet said it all too well
It's too easy for me, with new people
new places
I love to fall in love
even the misery of unrequited love.
I fell in love with Ubud
like a true foreigner
finding charm in the disintegrating infrastructure and internal corruption
eat pray love in reverse, whatever.
Do we ever ask if this place returns any love for you?

On the other hand, Bangkok has not been quite as easy to romanticise. It doesn't sit neatly into my boxes for romanticising and idealising. It's... just a place, to me. It's not a dream, like Ubud or Arambol or Jiufen. Ubud felt so real, so raw, so close to the essence of everything. Tourism is ruining local agriculture, the government is corrupt, everything is fucked, smoke a cigarette. Behind the veil of chill and carefree and "wow Balinese people are so friendly!" was an electric undercurrent of tensions between communities and political drama and complicated dynamics that sucked my psychotherapist ass right in. I can't lie—I fell in love, hard and fast. I fell in love in the most problematic way, in the most privileged way, coming from a city that is so relatively cushioned from structural hardship that hardship somehow becomes exciting.

What a problem of the privileged, to want to move to another country because of boredom. Because I'm simply attracted to exciting new places. Is aesthetic preference, even unrequited love, ever reason enough to move to a new country? When does preference become fantasy, fetish, objectification? When does "personal growth" spill into frivolous self indulgence and hyperindividualism? Sure, Sydney can be suffocating and I would benefit immensely from moving, but would this new place actually benefit from me being there? 

This is what Bangkok makes me question, day after day of intentional solitude. I don't feel like I have a purpose here. There's already so much happening in this city. It's got everything. What could I possibly contribute? Here, I am nothing more than a consumer, and I hate that. I feel passive and complacent and aimless. It feels like a blend of every other city I've stayed in. I am overstimulated by neon lights and overwhelmed by creature comforts. The real kicker? I hate to admit it, but in Arambol and Ubud I felt unique. Special. My specialness, my difference, was what I contributed.

I realise this about myself—I am drawn to the shadowy places of the universe. Whether it’s neurotic and shameful corners of people's psyches, or the lived struggles of those oppressed by power. These are my "guilty" reasons for pursuing therapy and social work. I must know it, stay close to it Again, maybe I’m just new, maybe it’s because it’s a city, but much like Sydney, Bangkok feels cushioned from that suffering. There are too many layers, too many skyscrapers and building levels and pedestrian crossings and 7/11s between my heart and the city’s darkness. The Kloeng Toei slums are a humanitarian project, integrated neatly into the city’s urban planning pipeline. Where are the grassroots campaigns? Where is the anger? The rawness? The resistance?¹ I’m sorry I’m skeptical of peace.

#life